We really do not know much about sex, so it’s time to debunk some of the most common myths.
You may have heard that size matters, women are more often bisexual than men or that tantric sex is an endless orgasm. In fact, that is not true. Sex has always existed, but we are only beginning to understand it. Today, we will debunk the 10 most common myths about sex.
Best sexologists will help us get to the bottom: a scientist from Indiana University, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of several books, including “Sex is simple,” Dr. Debbie Herbenik, doctor of sexual health and presenter of the «Sexplanations»program, Lindsay Do and Dr. Amy Marsh, a clinical sexologist and sex consultant.
1. Penis Size Matters
It seems that men are very concerned about the size and shape of their penises, but do women or other men care about it? How does the size actually affect the efficiency in the bedroom? Some argue that a large penis can create a more intense orgasm during penetrative sex. Others suggest that men with small penises compensate the difference with extra effort. Is it so? Debbie says that it can depend on the person, but eventually everything depends on the psychological connection:
“For some people size matters. They may wish their partner has longer or shorter, thicker or thinner. But, as the study reveals, psychological connection affects sexual satisfaction, intimacy and relationship satisfaction, but not just the size and shape of the partner’s genitals. In our study of more than 1,600 men, we found that the average length of the penis during erection is 14 cm. But the connection of people tends to be more important during sex than the size of body parts. A good book to improve the technology? “Great in bed.'”
Amy agrees and notes that some men may underestimate what they have, and when it comes to sexual organs, there is no universal size:
“Size does matter, if it is allowed to have a value, and this applies to both men and women. People are too ashamed of their genitals. Some even care if they are “average”. For example, men who look down on their penises (or have belly fat), may see them smaller than they really are. Sometimes a large penis can be “too big” for oral sex, but convenient for penetration. Or a smaller penis may be better suited for oral sex. Movement, understanding, proximity depth, lovemaking skills and / or posture often have a greater impact on partner satisfaction than the size.”
So what to do if you are unhappy with your size? Stop worrying about your tool- whether it is too small, large or medium – and find out how you can use it to please your partner. No worthy partner will reject you only because of the size of your penis, but if they insist on something different, you can diversify your sex life with toys.
On the other hand, if your partner is worried because of the size, provide some support. If the sex is good, let him know. If not, suggest something that will increase your enjoyment. The thing may be in your partner’s diffidence, but good partners help each other.
2. Males and females reach sexual peak at the same time
When men and women reach the peak of their sexuality? Some believe that in men it is faster (closer to 20 years), while women can reach it later. Debbie says that it is impossible to know for sure:
“I hear it all the time, and each has in mind something different (the frequency of sex, sex satisfaction, ease of orgasm, and so on). But when I face it, I cannot understand it. Who has a better erection an 18 years old guy or 70 years old man? Sex may be more meaningful and satisfactory in 70 than 18. Pleasant sex can happen at any time. It is rarely just physical or just emotional. Sex is the perfect moment, when our bodies and emotions, past experiences and future hopes mix, and this could lead to something exciting at any age. If you think you have reached your peak, forget it. All the best may be yet to come.”
The same piece of advice for those who have not yet reached his peak. You do not need to worry about it. As long as you are happy with who you are, you know your own body and are open to new experiences, you will not have problems with sex life satisfaction.
3. Most women can reach orgasm only by vaginal sex
It would be easier if orgasms were the result of simply following the instructions, right? “Insert the end A into connector B, a little drag and enjoy.” Most of women do not reach orgasm only by vaginal sex, although it is possible from the anatomical point of view. Debbie explains:
“It is very hard to determine who “can”get an orgasm from a certain type of sex (well, if someone can get an orgasm during sex depends more on your skills, but also on how you treat your partner). When women reach orgasm during vaginal sex, it is not always clear why it occurred. Eventually, the clitoris has an outer and inner part, and they both are stimulated during sex. The vagina, including the G spot, is also stimulated during intercourse, as well as the nerves around the neck of the uterus, including the vagus nerve.”
Amy notes that orgasms can occur in many different ways:
“People can reach orgasm in various ways. Mary Roach, author of “F***,” found a woman who could bring herself to orgasm with the thinking process, and a woman whose orgasms occurred during brushing. Nevertheless, the constant vaginal orgasm by stimulation of the clitoris is incredibly destructive. It is much more accurate to say that “most women” need some stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm. Also, we should remember that the sexologist Mary Jane Scherf claimed: “The clitoris is not just a small ledge on the front end of the vulva.'”
So how do most women reach orgasm? Debbie says:
“We know very well that men and women experience orgasm through various forms of sexual behavior. According to the National Sexual Health research conducted in 2009, the majority of women (about 2/3) experience orgasm during sex only through vaginal stimulation, stimulation of the clitoris or breasts. At the same time, according to another survey, 1/5 of women reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm.”
We can discuss the statistics all day, but the problem still remains: orgasms are less common among women than among men.
4. Men can not experience multiple orgasms
Men often fall asleep after ejaculation (for biological reasons), so the idea of multiple orgasms sounds almost ridiculous to many people. Nevertheless, it happens. Amy explains:
“Men can, but usually it takes to gain the skills, including the Taoist and Tantric techniques for breath control and discernment of orgasm and ejaculation. You can find these techniques in the book of Taoist sexual practices Mantak Chia and Douglas Abraham “The Multy-Orgasmic Man.” It is interesting to note that sexologists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian say that 12% of men, which they have studied, reported multiple orgasms.”
Debbie says that there are men who ejaculate more than once, however:
“Some men can ejaculate again and again, as well as women can reach orgasm several times. These men seem to have physical differences from the others.”
While some men may ejaculate more than once, the majority cannot. However, men who want to experience more than one orgasm at a time, can try to learn how to achieve it.
5. Women are more often bisexual
Women are often considered to be more flexible in terms of sex, but does that mean that men are less likely to be bisexual? According to Lindsey, the answer is quite simple:
“No. Although there is no official data on how many people consider themselves bisexual, we see statistics that there are more bisexual men than women. In the case of women it may be more socially acceptable, because it is easier to show your flexibility, but that shouldn’t be equated to their personality, and it does not exclude men, which are attracted not only by the opposite sex.”
“In one of our studies, we found that 15% of women had oral sex with another woman, and 11% of men had oral sex with another man. But far fewer men and women referred themselves to gay, lesbian or bisexual. Research suggests that both men and women can be “flexible” in their feelings and sexual behavior.”
Why is this myth so widespread? This may be due to the large number of “lesbian” porn, targeted specifically to men. While the development of this myth may have been affected by a number of factors, it all started with an article in the magazine «New York Times» of 2005, which asserted that bisexual men do not exist. Recently, this study was debunked. Bisexual men know that they exist for many years, and now science confirms it. Tell your friends!
6. Tantric sex is an orgasm for several hours
When Sting joked that he had an eight-hour tantric sex, the world took it seriously, everyone wanted to try. Because of the misinformation people have decided that tantric sex is an endless orgasm, while “Tantra” actually has other (less common) definitions. Lindsey explains:
“Tantra is a type of sexual intimacy in which the partners use the eastern practices to share their energy. It is believed that the technique called “Venus Butterfly” is an hour long orgasm. Critics argue that this so-called supergazm really confused with other stages of excitation. The longest orgasm recorded during the experiments in the laboratory lasted for one minute, and it was not the result of Tantra.”
Debbie agrees and explains that when you reach orgasm, you do not even have to think about approaching a minute:
“Orgasm lasts for seconds, not even minutes. This does not mean that there is no way to experience the euphoric feeling similar to the feelings experienced during orgasm, but that does not make them an orgasm. And there is nothing wrong! The practice of tantric sex provides people new ways to have sex and feel close to other people.”
As Debbie said, tantric sex has its advantages. Just do not expect endless erotic pleasure, and you will have a good chance to get satisfaction.
7. Men want casual sex and women want commitment
People have tried to narrow down the basic desires of men and women in a variety of aspects, then take these generalizations as a fact. But have you met people before? They are all different! Generalization leads to disinformation for no apparent reason, even in the question of what type of sex is appropriate for different genders. Debbie says:
“There is no simple gender division. It turns out that most people love sex and say that their sex was very good in the relationship (not surprising, despite the fact that both men and women stressed the importance of communication and intimacy). Of course, some men and some women prefer casual sex, and many people were engaged in casual sex at some point in their lives. Men and women tend to have more similarities than differences in terms of what they like in sex.”
So why do we think that women need commitment, even in our days? Lindsay offers her insight:
“When choosing a partner, heterosexual women are more choosy, because they have more at stake – a potential pregnancy and everything else. Furthermore, random sex reduces chances to have orgasm by 35%.”
Despite the fact that orgasms are not always necessary for the pleasure, orgasm is often exactly what people are looking for. Since women are less likely to reach orgasm, it may slightly diminish the desire of casual sex. But frequent orgasms do not automatically make a person wish commitment. We are looking for our own ways of doing what we like, and a very few people can imagine what the world considers normal.
8. Oral and anal sex are a safe replacement of vaginal sex
Different types of sex are accompanied by different risks and safety largely depends on what you mean by it. Debbie explains:
“If you worry because of the pregnancy, then yes – oral and anal are a safe alternative to vaginal intercourse. However, people should be concerned not only about the pregnancy, but also about sexually transmitted diseases (STD). STDs can be transmitted through anal and oral sex. If you have had oral, vaginal or anal sex, your doctor should recommend to make tests for sexually transmitted infections.”
The level of transmission of STDs depends on practice, but it can be increased by many factors. For example, unprotected oral sex right after brushing your teeth, creating small cuts on the gums, can be more dangerous than protected vaginal sex. You should always remember about reasonable risks.
9. Women do not watch porn
Watching porn is considered to be the male prerogative among both heterosexuals and gays, as it is created specifically for men. However, there is porn focused on women, and women enjoy pornography. Lindsey says:
“Almost a third of women watch pornography, and more than 10% of men do not watch it. In addition, when the researchers studied the psychological effects of pornography on the body, men and women alike reacted to sexually explicit material. They showed all the signs of sexual excitement, so porn is not only for men.”
So, how do women and men see and perceive sex. Debbie says:
“Most porn is done by men for other men. It is not surprising that most of the scenes shown in porno movies are focused on giving pleasure to the man and not the woman. For example, one study showed that pornography pays more attention to the anal, oral sex and threesome (two women and one man). Pornography market was little changed with the emergence of “ethical porn producers” and increasing number of women directors, but men are still the main audience.”
What can be done to pornography has become an enjoyable part of the relationship? If you want to watch it with your partner, find something suitable for both of you. If you simply want to enjoy porn alone, keep in mind that-what you get does not always correspond to what you expect.
10. Great sex comes naturally
Some people have a special chemistry, and they do not even have to think about it, the other people have to put more effort. Here’s what Debbie said about it:
“Sometimes people have phenomenal chemistry, and everything is fine on the first night, the first three or even six months. But great sex requires practice, patience and a little forgiveness. For couples who are in long-term relationships, it means having sex for the partner pleasure in the knowledge that at another time he/she will make you enjoy (because your desires are not always the same). Sometimes sex is for stress relief, another time because of the fact that you can not fall asleep, or to feel closer to each other after a quarrel, or to conceive a child, or just to feel loved. Someone might fart during sex. One of you or both of you may be faced with sexual problems at some point. For example, data from the National research on sexual health and behavior of 2009 showed that 30% of women experienced pain in the last time they had sex, and about one-third had problems with lubrication. About one in five men feels that everything happens too quickly.”
So how can couples save a great sex with all these problems? Debbie suggests:
“Great sex requires overcoming mistakes. One study found that even among satisfied couples, which regularly have sex, it is “very good” only in 20-25% of cases, and simply “good” in half of the cases. It’s like your favorite restaurant – sometimes the food is delicious, but usually you just do not want to eat somewhere else. And sometimes there is “just fine”, but you still go there, knowing that they cook well in general.”
So do not be greedy. Nothing can be amazing all the time. Great sex will cease to be great if it does not change from time to time.